August 14 2022. It feels like things in general have been out of control. This whole week has been more or less terrible. I dont see myself being able to stick with anything I try. Life is just really hard, and sometimes it's frustratingly confusing.

I want to get more work for more money, but as it stands, it's very hard for me to cope with this week, even with only a day of work. I want to use this coming week, where I dont work at all, to rest a bit and try to... gain my bearings again. Buy with how today has been going, freaking Saturday and Sunday suppose to be days to relax, so how the fuck am I suppose to believe I'll be able to relax next week?
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It's the 15th now, early morning. I want to put down that I have a friend who means alot to me. I feel like we're pretty similar deep down. Read More »

August 10th 2022. 1:40am I finished Log Horizon season 3. Idk if I should say much about it. I enjoyed it, tho would kinda want more, definitely some great moments I enjoyed. Anyway, I should try to get a little sleep.

I didnt get a little sleep. :/ Work went ok, was able to download some youtube vids on WiFi. I also asked about if subsidized housing places have a certain quality standard that all of them are forced to have, but the answer I got was basically "they should, but some do it more than others. Some companies in charge of the places are just in it for money" so that concerns me when it comes to trying for other sudsidized housing. The place I'm already on the waiting list for is one of the good ones, and makes me even more grateful how I get to live here now with mother.

The consistent sleep thing is kind of going downhill. I slept after I got home from work, and later woke up and had to immediately eat and then immediately do some chores, which is almost never fun when that happens, it feels like I have no control. After eating food and taking trash out, I laid down to kind of rest a bit, and I ended up falling asleep again. Now I'm up at 3:30am. It just really feels like shit is out of control and has my fucking nerves on edge... Read More »

Still August 9th 2022. I went to bed close to 12am again (really throws me off that after 12am is 1am and not 1pm, you know?), but this time I'm up at 4am, so only got 4 hours of sleep. Not sure if I'll go back to sleep since it's only 4 hours and I want a more consistent timeframe of between 8am and 12pm, but tomorrow I will have to be up by 5am anyway, which 4am is close enough.

I decided to use this time to kind of "prepare" for today I guess. I'm going to hopefully do that daily list thing like I believe I mentioned before. For some reason I just completely forgot about it until therapy... But yeah, I want today to be somewhat productive. I kinda just want to restrict myself to 2 things today and then use the rest of my time to try and prioritize my well-being, see if I can indeed space some things out to where I can be as consistently happier throughout the day and not be impulsive to need the highest amount of enjoyment for the longest amount of time :/ Read More »

August 8th 2022. Well, I wasnt able to sleep. I did some crying about how painful life is in general, then watched a couple vids about whether life is worth the pain (there was a ted talk about chronic pain which I thought was pretty informative about resistance), then I thought about some rping I do with a friend and stuff and got giddy about Chihiro Fujisaki.

I was watching Log Horizon. Was going to watch another ep, but figured I needed to clean a pan I was suppose to earlier, so I mourned the rush to go do that and hopefully have the ep9 as something to look forward to. Now it 9am and I'm about to watch it. Yeah I'm most likely not getting any sleep until after therapy.

August 9th 2022. Yesterday I went to sleep after therapy, both went kind of ok. Started on season 3 of Log Horizon, and I gotta say, that opening theme is a banger! Also, I kind of figure that I have some small things I can be happy or at least giddy about. Thinking about Chihiro kinda helps, and I'm kinda enjoying the fesling of being cozy in bed, so maybe I can leverage those things and spread them out so that I can have those as little motivational and fun rewards for after doing not-so-fun chores and talking care of myself, as long as I'm not interrupted too much. Read More »

August 7th 2022. I really need to take care of myself better. Been having eye problems lately from being on screens too much. I think that having a kind of consistant sleep schedule would help, but right now... I'm worried and I feel lost.

I have so many thoughts on my mind. I cant possibly write them all down without problems. I'm staring at a screen to write this, and I should try to sleep now if I want to try for an ok sleep schedule. Any failure, and it just feels like I dont know what I'm doing, which is probably true...

The consistent sleep thing would probably be helpful for my body and energy. It would probably be best for me to go from 12pm to 12am, or even 8am to 12am, with 4 hours before bed as a timeframe to do before-bed routines like brushing teeth. If I can brush my teeth consistently for about 2 weeks or more, my gingivitis would be cured, so I'm told from a dentist, that would still probably be hard for me to do. Read More »

August 6th 2022. It 3:30am. I've been watching Log Horizon over the days, Im on season 2 ep 17 or so. I love it, it inspires me and has some cool lessons and stuff that I cant explain well but it got me thinking about my own life.

I think that I want to be able to inspire people to face the struggles of life, like Log Horizon and Chihiro Fujisaki do for me. That would probably mean that i'd have to show people that I'm struggling, and most times I dont like struggling, struggling sucks. But that also makes sense. If it didn't suck and was easy to do, people wouldnt need inspired to face struggle, and I also wouldnt vaule it as much as I do.

In season 2 so far, there are some things that... Idk if I can say this accurately. They're the things that got me inspired or thinging. Some things about what it means to trust people and be trusted, "always be evaluating your opponent. Know what you can do, and know what you cant do so it doesnt surprise you in a fight" (the know what you cant do part specifically). The kinds of support Akatsuki got, I dont have accurate words for how I felt about this either, but it was heartwarming and I feel it helped motivate her and she grew~! Read More »

Some more downs happened. Fight with mother and other stresses. Was feeling not competent last night. Btw it July 29 2022 right now, I got busy and lazy which is kinda funny conceptually.

Anyway, last night I was watching a couple youtube vids about tips for homelessness, in case I become homeless before I get my own apartment. One of the last tips of a vid was to "on good days, remember the bad days, and on bad days, remember the good days". It wasnt explained well, but I found it interesting, and I used it.

I was feeling awful in bed, so I remembered a good day, which happened to be when I worked the 26th. I got alot done and things went more-or-less swimmingly. Half of it had to do with fast WiFi, but I had a list of things and I checked them all off at my own pace. :)

So, I decided to do that again, thinking it would be a good way to feel like I'm at least moving forward/getting some things done, and feel at least a little competent. And for today, all I put on was to wash my blanket and sheet, and get some groceries, and I was able to do them. :) I was exhausted afterwards tho. Read More »

July 25 2022, 3:30pm. Today has been crap so far, but I'm trying to manage. Eye problems when I woke up, had trouble sleeping, got notified that I'm 44 on waiting list for a 1 bedroom appartment, have an itchy rash on my back that I got to deal with. Tomorrow I have work, and day after that I have a dentist appointment. I assume my stress will be through the roof. Thankfully I have some time for myself since mother is out with a friend of her's, but things are still gonna be a struggle overall.

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July 26. It 6am. I only got a couple hours of sleep, and I have to work today. It's gonna be pretty busy, but I feel good. Mostly cause some gamedev went great.

Instead of having one area detector in the front of the player and have it change positions when the character turns, I put detectors on all 4 sides that don't change position. They tell the player that they cant move in a certain direction if something is in the way, and boi! It seems to work simply and easily~ Read More »

July 24, 2022. I've really been on a Log Horizon kick. When I was at a friend's place recently, I watched some eps of it on his computer.

The idea behind this place started from a fantasy of me being in Log Horizon as a scribe, and i'd write down my feelings and observations of the main characters as they struggled in their new reality in the MMO Elder Tales. And yes, I called the book I was writing it "Tome of Despair" lol.

I don't think I'll be able to put down all my feelings or why I feel that way, about the show world and how I feel about it and such. I dont know how to even begin to describe why I like imagining myself there. Of course, I dont know much about the game their stuck in to get a full idea of what I would have done realisticly if I was from their world and not this one.

July 21 2022. I got sucked into gamedev in an unhealthy way. Couldn't stop myself to take breaks cause I was just so fixated on figuring out detecting "collisions" so the character wouldnt walk into shit. I have an idea that might work, but I'm not sure I'll try it tomorrow. I'll need some time where I have energy and can afford to use up brain power... or can afford to neglect myself if that bad habit happens again.

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July 22 2022. It is 6:30am. It's quiet and peaceful. I enjoy this... to a degree...

I know that it's probably best for me to just sit and enjoy this. It would be wise to save my energy and cognition for when I go over to a friend's house in about an hour or 2. It can be hard to keep up with the guy, and I usually need to take breaks.

While laying in bed relaxing, I was thinking about why it was kinda difficult for me to just lay there and enjoy it. The things I was feeling urges to do would have just made things harder for me with barely any benefit... I think I'm just not content with where my life is at, so I feel like I cant really enjoy peace for long, I usually have an urge that I need to do something to move forward... Read More »

July 19 2022. It 3:15pm right now. So far today has been a bunch of chaos. Right now I'm just laying in bed, wanting to not do anything for like 5 million years. At least I got a phone card for next month.

2am. Today hasnt been well. The phone card, and now a shower, was the only irl productive things i've done. Most of the time was napping cause exhausted, or dealing with my back hurting for some reason. Makes it hard for me to believe that the future would be better if normal days are like this.

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Being alive takes up alot of maintenance. If I have my own place, i'd have to keep track of toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags, food, bills, dishes. I'd have to vaccume and sweep to keep the place from getting so dusty that it's hard to breathe. Shower, brush teeth, and obviously work to make the money. Oh and laundry. Plus alot of other monthly or yearly stuff. ... It feels depressing. Even tho I'd have Read More »

July 18 2022. I believe that I want to do something that matters to me, and that my efforts also matter to others. I feel like that would be the most fulfilling. I've struggled with this for a long time. I've more or less have always felt lost and scared about this topic/goal. I'm trying to keep calm with breathing. The pain and failure chasing this usually leads me to unhealthy behaviors as well as unpleasant feelings.

I done some thinking about what logical steps I can take. Not much thinking, but hopefully thinking through this here will yield results. It seems that, logically, the starting point would be to figure out what matters to me, that I can do. A problem is my feelings about the other half.

Finding people that appreciate what I do should maybe be afterwards, but if I just ignore it, my feelings will affect what I do. Actually, my feelings might affect what I do regardless. I seem to usually get demotivated cause I feel like what I do wont matter to others, but perhaps I'm jumping the gun here. Read More »

July 17th 2022. 4:15am. Had to do eyedrops. Did them, and as I was putting the cap back on, dropped both cap and Bootle. I'm not fixing that typo. I got angry, picked bottle up, threw it to the ground, picked it up again and squeezed the rest of it out onto my foot. I am greatly upset...

Up at 10am. I want this to focus more on my feelings and thoughts and not just an update on what i've done, and I have just that. Felt more normal in mood this morning, until an annoying cup incident that mother did. It just made things a little harder and unnecessary and I really didnt fucking need that. Took some time to check social media stuff and feel a little better, would like to try for more but it most likely wont go well, so I'm just gonna try to get trash bags at a store now. I really want out of this stressful place. Read More »

It's 2am. I'm not sure of what I want or what to do to fulfill what I'm needing. This journal is just an idea, and attempt. A place where I can put down and process my personal thoughts and feelings, but I also wamt it accessible to those that just... want to know more about me or connect with me more.

I guess dating these would be helpful, so people dont think something from months ago happened yesterday or something. It is July 17th, 2022.

I name this series Tome of Despair because, for one it's me being edgy, but also because these are most likely going to be filled with my depressive thoughts and feelings. Tons of pessimism and cynicism. Also, I struggle to find the words, but I also want this to be a way I can be depressive and talk about shit, without people feeling like I'm asking them for advice or help. I feel like the journal format would be good for that, cause the nature of it isnt to be read by anyone. I want it to feel like people are choosing to take a glimpse inside my head if they read this, and not feel like I'm coming to them with my issues. Read More »

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