July 17th 2022. 4:15am. Had to do eyedrops. Did them, and as I was putting the cap back on, dropped both cap and Bootle. I'm not fixing that typo. I got angry, picked bottle up, threw it to the ground, picked it up again and squeezed the rest of it out onto my foot. I am greatly upset...

Up at 10am. I want this to focus more on my feelings and thoughts and not just an update on what i've done, and I have just that. Felt more normal in mood this morning, until an annoying cup incident that mother did. It just made things a little harder and unnecessary and I really didnt fucking need that. Took some time to check social media stuff and feel a little better, would like to try for more but it most likely wont go well, so I'm just gonna try to get trash bags at a store now. I really want out of this stressful place.

I want this to be about important shit, but fuck it, I'm stressed and need this shit out of me. Fucking walked into the kitchen and the floor was wet, idk why. It wasng like water, it seemed like some kind of sticky crap you cant see well but can feel. It wasnt there 30 minutes ago. Right before then, Mother notified me of the water backing up in the sink and smelling like sewage, hope that isnt related. Chaos like this is part of why being alive sucks! Stresses me the fuck out!

I went outside for a bit to try and get some time to myself and manage my stress. It didnt go... well. But I was able to do ok with it. When I got home, I basically just took a nap cause fuck trying to do anything.

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If I want to die because living is just so terrible and painful, then does me wanting others to live make me a hypocrite? Does me wanting people to live mean that I want them to suffer in this terrible place? It definitely seems like it since I hope that death is a blissful escape from the maddening universe.

That's the logic. How I feel about it tho is... it's just sad, when people die. It can be understandable that life can be too much for someone to cope and bare with, but it's still sad... I want people to live because I want to see their lifes get better and happier. I know that that can be incredibly hard tho... and can definitely just lead to more pain and suffering... It hurts...