July 18 2022. I believe that I want to do something that matters to me, and that my efforts also matter to others. I feel like that would be the most fulfilling. I've struggled with this for a long time. I've more or less have always felt lost and scared about this topic/goal. I'm trying to keep calm with breathing. The pain and failure chasing this usually leads me to unhealthy behaviors as well as unpleasant feelings.

I done some thinking about what logical steps I can take. Not much thinking, but hopefully thinking through this here will yield results. It seems that, logically, the starting point would be to figure out what matters to me, that I can do. A problem is my feelings about the other half.

Finding people that appreciate what I do should maybe be afterwards, but if I just ignore it, my feelings will affect what I do. Actually, my feelings might affect what I do regardless. I seem to usually get demotivated cause I feel like what I do wont matter to others, but perhaps I'm jumping the gun here.

... What would be the process to figure out what matters to me? Would not sharing things I do help? The idea being that if I can find something I want to do without the need of others liking it also, would that be it? There's another concern of mine tho; reality. This... might be obvious, but we all have different limitations and responsibilities and such, and I feel like that can definitely impact what I can do, even it if matters to me... It's sad. But, I feel like I cant just think about this. I'd have to actually try things in order to see what I can do or if things would just stress me out too much. It'll be hard cause I'm so pain/failure avoidant. (I have to work within my life/limitations I mean)

11:30pm. Today has been ok I guess. I tried to focus on the condition of my body and trying to take care of myself. I have an idea that I did a little bit of gamedev on, and it's something that I figure I can work on sfw stuff when mother is around, and any nsfw parts I can do when she's asleep or away.

I'm taking things... differently it seems. I'm not exactly excite for this project, but today I kind of realized that life can sometimes be a resource management or logistics game, in the very least for gamedev. I create things that I can possibly use in other games and such in the future. I assume that that means I'm treating a game session not as "ugh, I want this part over with so I can get to the good parts"... or I guess more simpler is to say that my goal each session isnt to make the game I want, it's to work on making assets that I can use later. Afterall, I'm not trying to make the best game, I'm allowing myself to cut corners if that's what I want. And since my goal isnt to make the game, I don't feel like I have to constantly be doing it.